Hooray for 'Self Improvement'!

When two total strangers offer you some constructive criticism on the same personality trait under totally different circumstances, you tend to start to wonder if maybe they are onto something. In good faith I cannot ignore the general consensus, I owe it to myself to take their opinions seriously and consider my options. With the same willingness to we have to accept and relish compliments paid to us, we should also pay particular attention to the areas that may need improvement.

I like learning about myself from other people. Sometimes we can become solitary in our opinion of ourselves because that is the only one we have placed value on for far too long. I've realized this recently, and however traumatic a bashing it was to my ego, I understand now that, low and behold; I am not perfect! If I am being truthful, never have I considered myself perfect in any way, I only misplaced my assumptions as to where my imperfections lie. I know some people would say, why even place such importance on any one opinion of you as to alter who you are? I say it isn't about changing who we are, it is about understanding who we really are as an individual and if new revelations bring about changes then so be it. It's about personal growth, and I crave to understand not only myself but people and the world that surrounds me.

It's unnerving when you start to see yourself in strange new ways, almost forcing you into reconciling your past ghosts with your present self in order to become this new...hybrid of sorts. A hybrid of the self that is supposed to be, better, faster, stronger! But seriously...any new hybrid is only paving the way for new hybrids and when does the evolution stop? And is this pursuit of personal knowledge and understanding really ever lead to any true self that is better than the one that came before it?

I certainly f'n hope so!

Nothin' on Top But a Bucket and a Mop

I seem to be experiencing a little downtime in my thoughts these days, and as much as I would love to self indulge in a little pity party of one, I feel foolish in doing so. There is no justification for me whining about how unfair my life is, only because I am feeling bored, stuck, and anxious. I can see so much room for improvement, things I can control in my own life that will help put my thoughts back on track, but they seem so far out of reach and it seems almost impossible to get past my own feelings of fruitlessness. Everything I have in my life to this point has been a goal achieved, and the sense of contentment I once felt is slowly slipping away and the itch is setting in; the overwhelming urge and desire for some sort of sweeping change that will quiet these dark and restless thoughts and replace them with a renewed sense of Self.

Oh but it all sounds so simple! For a NORMAL person maybe, but I consider myself my own worst enemy. Plagued with momentary lapses of reason and self indulgent behaviour, I continue to assume a position on the sidelines of my life, watching each day as it passes me by, never fully acknowledging that my apathy and procrastination are what is keeping me from my own personal growth and satisfaction. It is a terrible affliction, and I keep thinking that time and age will automatically change these things about me, but so far.. nothing. It seems I am the master of my fate, the captain of my soul. In other words, its up to me to change what I don't like; A lesson learned many times, but always forgotten. Sometimes I wait for answers to fall out of the sky and solve all my little 'problems' because it seems so much easier than the alternative.


I think we all get stuck into a certain pattern of thinking and living and sometimes it's just plain hard to break the cycle. Continuing in the familiar can be far more comforting than forcing yourself into creating new habits, routines and ways of thinking. Life changes are exhausting at best but if we don't make these changes how do we continue to grow and learn as individuals? I know I would rather reach a plateau in happiness only to see there is more up ahead no matter how hard the climb might be, than to reach that plateau and blindly settle for the mediocre.

Brain Fog, It's Real!

I once asked myself why do I say things that I later regret...well I think I have figured out the answer to that question each and every time: It's because I was drunk! Well, seriously, not all the time, but this time specifically. I settled in for an evening of video games and a glass of wine with a new friend, and well..a bottle of wine later, and with an unsteady head, I forged into a topic of conversation of which even I was unfamiliar. I'm not sure what my plan was, although, I am almost positive my intentions were good. If I didn't learn anything else that night, I learned this; It is not good to try and express yourself with a body full of raging hormones and liquor. You must be asking, and you are only learning this now?? The answer is yes, for the first time, all over again.

But what is a girl to do? I was thrust into a situation of one week permanence, and there was no turning back. The thoughts in my head were frantic, but at the same time I couldn't reach them as they were buried somewhere deep beneath a layer of mysterious brain fog. Brain fog is an exciting, and yet dangerous phenomena that causes the sufferer to lose all common sense and practicality. As a result decisions are last minute and erratic at best. Let's just say my brain fog cleared about 6am Tuesday morning and I've been stewing in anxiety as a result!

I feel like I am waking up from a really long nap, where all of these happenings were just a dream(nightmare, if you will!) and am still wiping my eyes trying to make sense of it all. The you that you think you are gets called into question after one of these episodes, and it's not always pretty. I feel like I feel on my face after stumbling around in the dark, and what I am now seeing is that I haven't come so far in my emotional an intellectual evolution as I thought I had. Maybe this next journey I should consider taking with my eyes open.