The only thing that says it right now is the following song by Morcheeba, Over and Over....
Waking to these sounds again I wonder how I'll sleep
Passing out is taking off into the stubborn deep
I'd like to meet a human who makes it all seem clear
To work out all these cycles and why I'm standing here
I'm falling Over and over and over and over again now
Calling and over and over and over and over again now
Running through my life right now I don't regret a thing
The things I do just make me laugh and make me wanna drink
I'd like to meet a mad man who makes it all seem sane
To work out all these troubles and what there is to gain
I'm falling over and over and over and over again now
Calling and over and over and over and over again now
Projecting what I want is always hard to know
But when it comes between my sights I'll let the damage show
I'd like to meet a space man, who's got it going on
Sailing through the stars at night 'til our world is gone
I'm falling Over and over and over and over again now
Calling and over and over and over and over again now
Over and over and over and over again now
Calling and over and over and over and over again now
Friday, November 28, 2008
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Let's Get Philosophical For a Moment...
I am sitting here contemplating my past, present and future, and I find myself wondering; when, exactly, does your past become your past? I understand the concept of 'the past' as far as a timeline is concerned, but the heart rarely surrenders to the logic of the brain, at least in my experience. Just because something happened long ago, does that mean we are supposed to forget about it, stop feeling its effects before it can truly be considered our past? If we carry these emotions with us long after the event has taken place, how can we consider it our past when it continues to effect our daily decisions, feelings and routine?
When I was about 4, I watched a young friend of mine be abducted by a strange man. As a young child, I never really understood the gravity of that situation as it was happening. As I've gotten older, it seems this issue is no longer a part of my childhood and has become a major influencing factor in my thought process and view of the world. To this day, I still think about this girl, and many of my actions and reactions to daily events around the world and my own life are based on the silent outrage I now feel as an adult, reliving that incident over and over again in my mind. My brain knows it is the past (it happened over 20 years ago!), but my heart feels it as if it were yesterday. That confusing life experience is very much a part of who I am in this present tense. Therefore, can it really be considered my past?
Now I am struggling with confusion of another past experience, in the wake of something new and possibly wonderful. I understand I should be able to walk away from that heartache, but certain events are forcing me to relive those feelings even though I had buried them deep in the dusty, cobweb-covered recesses of my mind. I am considering the fact that being forced to reconcile these awful emotions going to allow room for new feelings to grow, but I also recognize these same feelings may very well alter the course of my present, and future, for better or worse. Am I ready for that? If I confront the issue head on, will this past event that has been haunting me be left in the past, both in my head and heart?
Whew! It's can be dangerous, confusing and exhausting diving so deep into a shallow pool!
When I was about 4, I watched a young friend of mine be abducted by a strange man. As a young child, I never really understood the gravity of that situation as it was happening. As I've gotten older, it seems this issue is no longer a part of my childhood and has become a major influencing factor in my thought process and view of the world. To this day, I still think about this girl, and many of my actions and reactions to daily events around the world and my own life are based on the silent outrage I now feel as an adult, reliving that incident over and over again in my mind. My brain knows it is the past (it happened over 20 years ago!), but my heart feels it as if it were yesterday. That confusing life experience is very much a part of who I am in this present tense. Therefore, can it really be considered my past?
Now I am struggling with confusion of another past experience, in the wake of something new and possibly wonderful. I understand I should be able to walk away from that heartache, but certain events are forcing me to relive those feelings even though I had buried them deep in the dusty, cobweb-covered recesses of my mind. I am considering the fact that being forced to reconcile these awful emotions going to allow room for new feelings to grow, but I also recognize these same feelings may very well alter the course of my present, and future, for better or worse. Am I ready for that? If I confront the issue head on, will this past event that has been haunting me be left in the past, both in my head and heart?
Whew! It's can be dangerous, confusing and exhausting diving so deep into a shallow pool!
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Let's Go Back...
Remember when you were a kid, and you got excited about everything? It was pure uninhibited excitement, without fear of disappointment and hurt. I remember sitting on a large decorative rock outside my new apartment building when I was about 4, waiting for a 'surprise' my father said would be coming for me. We had just moved from one end of the city to another, leaving behind the only friend I ever really knew up until that point. She lived in the flat below us, and was older than me by about 3 or 4 years. She was beautiful, kind, funny; she was my idol. Sitting on that rock I imagined all of the things it could have been. Not once did I imagine I would see that little red car pull up over the hill with the sun gleaming off its roof sending bursts of light back into the early afternoon sky. There she was waving out the window looking as excited as I was for her to be here, visiting me in my new home. In that moment, as I jumped off the rock, racing to meet her car, I never would have believed it if you told me I would never experience excitement like this many times again, excitement that wasn't tinged and marred by apprehension and anxiety of all the things that might go wrong. Because up until that point, nothing ever had.
As we grow, if we are lucky, we experience all the good things that life has to offer in a way that allows us to appreciate life to its fullest as a responsible and capable adult. But I think it's terribly sad that over the course of our life, we come upon moments that rob of us of our ability to experience the joy of things as we did when we were young. We dash our hopes before they have a chance to grow, far too often in my opinion, in fear of disappointment. We should be allowing ourselves to indulge in the 'what if's' and 'if only I could's', and understand that if we've handled this much disappointment in our lives, we can certainly handle a little more.
What won't kills us, will only make us stronger!
As we grow, if we are lucky, we experience all the good things that life has to offer in a way that allows us to appreciate life to its fullest as a responsible and capable adult. But I think it's terribly sad that over the course of our life, we come upon moments that rob of us of our ability to experience the joy of things as we did when we were young. We dash our hopes before they have a chance to grow, far too often in my opinion, in fear of disappointment. We should be allowing ourselves to indulge in the 'what if's' and 'if only I could's', and understand that if we've handled this much disappointment in our lives, we can certainly handle a little more.
What won't kills us, will only make us stronger!
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
He Said, She Said
Why does my past continuously come back to haunt me? You try to forgive and forget, you try to move on. Just when you think your emotions are under control and your thoughts are rational, along comes annoying old Fate and his clammy death grip pointing the way back to 'that place' with his bony lifeless finger. Is it my Fate to continue reliving the same few incidents from my past over and over again? Is it not enough that I think about these issues on a consistently random basis, trying to understand it all in the grand scheme of things for my own personal satisfaction? Now I have to start being reminded of them, and dealing with them in new and curious ways as though there is still a lesson to be learned in it all. And horror of horrors, the more I think about it, the more I think there probably is.
I think for an emotional matter to be settled, all parties involved need closure. ( I know, 'closure', what a cliche! But I believe in it!) Now closure is a personal thing. For one person, it might be kicking their ex husband in the ass with a steel toe boot. For another it might be seeing a loved one just one last time before saying the Big Goodbye. In terms of my own personal past issues still left unresolved, I would have to say my closure would need to come with the admittance of my own wrong-doings and faults which may or may not have contributed to the disarray that created the drama, which has led to the current blog I am writing. I used to think that admitting your mistakes in the shadow of someone else's looming, giant mistake was only going to the other person to feel as though they were justified in their actions. But after all this time, the burning questions I used to feel I needed answers to have seemingly disappeared, and all that is left is that tiny piece of me that knows I need to say I am sorry. Be damned who was right and wrong! It seems admitting your mistakes means as much to yourself as it does to someone else, if not more.
I think for an emotional matter to be settled, all parties involved need closure. ( I know, 'closure', what a cliche! But I believe in it!) Now closure is a personal thing. For one person, it might be kicking their ex husband in the ass with a steel toe boot. For another it might be seeing a loved one just one last time before saying the Big Goodbye. In terms of my own personal past issues still left unresolved, I would have to say my closure would need to come with the admittance of my own wrong-doings and faults which may or may not have contributed to the disarray that created the drama, which has led to the current blog I am writing. I used to think that admitting your mistakes in the shadow of someone else's looming, giant mistake was only going to the other person to feel as though they were justified in their actions. But after all this time, the burning questions I used to feel I needed answers to have seemingly disappeared, and all that is left is that tiny piece of me that knows I need to say I am sorry. Be damned who was right and wrong! It seems admitting your mistakes means as much to yourself as it does to someone else, if not more.
Monday, November 17, 2008
Public Transit Bites the Big One
Ugh! I hate the bus sometimes. If I am being truthful, my bus route is probably the most laid back in the city. When I first started taking it over 2 years ago, there was the same 5 faces every morning, with the odd 1 or 2 thrown in here a few times a week. The bus was ours. All of a sudden my 'stare friends' from the bus stop became my conversational friends. I even made one very good friendship from it, someone I think I will know and keep in touch with for a long time. Even the morning drivers sour, early morning 'I hate people' face became one of familiarity and I think he even took a shine to us.
Over the last 6 months, even this bus has become unbearable to me. Every morning a group of girls get on, proceed to congregate directly beside me (as if there were actually no other seats on the bus!) and continue to chatter in their very nasally, very annoying foreign language until blessed relief;my stop comes. Now there is also a spattering of other people strewn about the bus, going from my quiet, cool calm and collected 5, to this out of control noisy blob of 15 to 20 people. And the bus driver has reverted to his early morning 'I hate people' face again, and spacing out so much he misses stops regularly.
Today though, I was done work too early to wait for my regular bus, so I headed up the hill to catch the 20. The bus was late, I missed the connecting bus that would help me avoid rush hour, and had to wait 20 minutes just to cram myself into an overcrowded, over heated, smelly bus like one more sardine in the can, just to make it the rest of way home. It wasn't over fast enough! And the bubbles from the soap...when I washed my hands...were black.
At this point, car payments are sounding like a really good investment.
Over the last 6 months, even this bus has become unbearable to me. Every morning a group of girls get on, proceed to congregate directly beside me (as if there were actually no other seats on the bus!) and continue to chatter in their very nasally, very annoying foreign language until blessed relief;my stop comes. Now there is also a spattering of other people strewn about the bus, going from my quiet, cool calm and collected 5, to this out of control noisy blob of 15 to 20 people. And the bus driver has reverted to his early morning 'I hate people' face again, and spacing out so much he misses stops regularly.
Today though, I was done work too early to wait for my regular bus, so I headed up the hill to catch the 20. The bus was late, I missed the connecting bus that would help me avoid rush hour, and had to wait 20 minutes just to cram myself into an overcrowded, over heated, smelly bus like one more sardine in the can, just to make it the rest of way home. It wasn't over fast enough! And the bubbles from the soap...when I washed my hands...were black.
At this point, car payments are sounding like a really good investment.
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Reaping What We Sow
My brain is a mess! Why do I say things that I later fret and worry over? Actually, the question should be why do the things I say make me fret and worry? When my private thoughts escape my brain and there is a delay in communication, I instantly regret what I said. Is this some sort of paranoia, or just regular old pain in the ass self doubt? I don't know if I have always been this way or if it is some sort of wretched side effect of my past life experiences.
To be honest, I am feeling a sort of apathy about everything happening in my life right now. It's neither good, or bad, it just is. I am happy with my job, I am happy with the amount of money I earn (although c'mon people! Who wouldn't love to be making more money?), I am happy with the supportive relationships I have with my friends and family. The things I am missing are things I cannot force into my life, and for a change I truly have to take a backseat to the unseen forces driving my life forward.
About 11 years ago or so, my friend K and I were hanging out in her room at home, spending some time with good old MJ. This is something we did quite regularly. We laughed, and joked about how when we were 30 we would be roomates, living in Halifax, still sitting on the same glow in the dark plastic blow up furniture doing the same old shit and having the same old conversations. Well the blow up furniture is gone, but the rest pretty much came true. Some sort of crazy premonition neither of us really honestly and truly believed would come to be. It was a joke. I think both of us had dreams that by this age, we would be married, have kids and a career that we loved; Naively believing that the creation of a family could be controlled and planned and maintained in the same way as a career. Well, joke was on us.
I think a deeper understanding of the terms Fate and Karma bitch-slap you in the face once you reach about 25 or so. I still don't feel I can grasp the place Fate has in my life although I feel its clammy deathgrip every once in a while. Yes, this is how I view Fate in my life at this point, like the grim reaper creeping up on you when you least expect it. And as for Karma, well its as simple as this Bitches; you reap what you sow.
To be honest, I am feeling a sort of apathy about everything happening in my life right now. It's neither good, or bad, it just is. I am happy with my job, I am happy with the amount of money I earn (although c'mon people! Who wouldn't love to be making more money?), I am happy with the supportive relationships I have with my friends and family. The things I am missing are things I cannot force into my life, and for a change I truly have to take a backseat to the unseen forces driving my life forward.
About 11 years ago or so, my friend K and I were hanging out in her room at home, spending some time with good old MJ. This is something we did quite regularly. We laughed, and joked about how when we were 30 we would be roomates, living in Halifax, still sitting on the same glow in the dark plastic blow up furniture doing the same old shit and having the same old conversations. Well the blow up furniture is gone, but the rest pretty much came true. Some sort of crazy premonition neither of us really honestly and truly believed would come to be. It was a joke. I think both of us had dreams that by this age, we would be married, have kids and a career that we loved; Naively believing that the creation of a family could be controlled and planned and maintained in the same way as a career. Well, joke was on us.
I think a deeper understanding of the terms Fate and Karma bitch-slap you in the face once you reach about 25 or so. I still don't feel I can grasp the place Fate has in my life although I feel its clammy deathgrip every once in a while. Yes, this is how I view Fate in my life at this point, like the grim reaper creeping up on you when you least expect it. And as for Karma, well its as simple as this Bitches; you reap what you sow.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Shitstorms a plenty!
Well just sitting here, can't believe I am starting a blog. I said, hey, I know one person that will be my faithful dedicated reader, and that's good enough for me! Maybe I can recruit one or two more over time, but hey, you gotta start somewhere. I figure that writing out erradic thoughts on random sheets of paper was getting a little old and maybe time to keep a record of this craziness I call My Thought Process.
Why do I have an urge to write what I am thinking? And furthermore, why do I have an urge for other to people to read what I wrote about what I am thinking? It is insanely personal to me and I feel exposed when others read what I have written, but at the same time I need to know that maybe someone out there understands where I am coming from and can tell me that I am not completely insane, or devoid of any actual common sense. I think this is why I ramble, and continuously repeat myself to no end; just so I can be sure the person who is listening undestands what I am saying. Do you understand what I am saying??
Another reason I think I write is because I feel the need to connect to other people. And at the same time, I want them to connect with me. The written word has always been an amazing pleasure in my life, whether or not I was the reader or the writer. I have taken so much pleasure in other people's writing, I can only dream of giving back to others the things that were given to me through the things I have read, whether it be books, poetry, or song lyrics! It's like they've shared a little piece of themselves and their life with you, and I love that! Life is a wonderous thing for me and the human race is equally amazing. This world in which we live, and the experiences we have as people are a gift and not to be taken lightly, although sometimes we are all guilty of taking our lives, pleasures, and even hardships for granted. It is all a lesson in the making and God only knows if we will ever figure out what it was all for. Let's just hope we accomplish in this life what we were meant to, or at least we figure out what those accomplishments are supposed to be, and strive our hardest to achieve them. I tell my kids at work everyday to 'be the best you You can be'. And even when it is hard, if we try, at least we will have satisfied ourselves!
I guess that is enough rambling. Future rants to come!
Why do I have an urge to write what I am thinking? And furthermore, why do I have an urge for other to people to read what I wrote about what I am thinking? It is insanely personal to me and I feel exposed when others read what I have written, but at the same time I need to know that maybe someone out there understands where I am coming from and can tell me that I am not completely insane, or devoid of any actual common sense. I think this is why I ramble, and continuously repeat myself to no end; just so I can be sure the person who is listening undestands what I am saying. Do you understand what I am saying??
Another reason I think I write is because I feel the need to connect to other people. And at the same time, I want them to connect with me. The written word has always been an amazing pleasure in my life, whether or not I was the reader or the writer. I have taken so much pleasure in other people's writing, I can only dream of giving back to others the things that were given to me through the things I have read, whether it be books, poetry, or song lyrics! It's like they've shared a little piece of themselves and their life with you, and I love that! Life is a wonderous thing for me and the human race is equally amazing. This world in which we live, and the experiences we have as people are a gift and not to be taken lightly, although sometimes we are all guilty of taking our lives, pleasures, and even hardships for granted. It is all a lesson in the making and God only knows if we will ever figure out what it was all for. Let's just hope we accomplish in this life what we were meant to, or at least we figure out what those accomplishments are supposed to be, and strive our hardest to achieve them. I tell my kids at work everyday to 'be the best you You can be'. And even when it is hard, if we try, at least we will have satisfied ourselves!
I guess that is enough rambling. Future rants to come!
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