Out With The Old, In With The New

Friendships are like relationships, and those who think the opposite, that they don't require dedication, hard work, and most of all love to make them work, will find themselves awfully lonely.  Even as a child, I understood that friendship was special, and I loved each of my friends equally and wanted harmony amongst them, even when that was impossible.  As a teenager, I began seeing my friends as family, because lets face it, when you are 14 or 15 or 16, your friends become far more important than your own family.  You ignore your families advice, and take your friends.  You disown your families morals, and adopt your friends.  Your parents point of view?  Archaic, uninformed, and of course, your friends obviously know more about the situations at hand then they ever could.  You define yourself by your friends, and whats more, they define themselves by you.  Its all so heavy.

It wasn't until I was a young adult, that I understood what my father meant when he told me,

' these people are not your friends, they are only aquantances.  When you grow up, you will be lucky if you have a friendship with even one of these people'. 

If he was ever wrong about anything in his life, it certainly wasn't about this. Those relationships were beautiful when they bloomed, and flourished, but eventually withered and died like a beautiful flower does just before the first snowfall.  After all these years I still cherish the time spent with those beautiful people, just like you remember the sweet scent of the lilacs even after the blooms turn brown and fall off.  You can't replace the friends you had as a teenager, because even after the relationship fades to black, they have left such lasting impressions on your heart and mind, so much so, they have become a part of who you are.  They are the people and the memories you turn to when life becomes too complicated and you long for just one more moment back in that simpler time. 

There's only one of my adolescent friendship that has grown into a wonderful, supportive and loving relationship, and trust me, that has not come without its trials and tribulations!  We have worked at it over the years and have gone past the superficial adolescent requirements of that time, and have painstakingly moved beyond that into a full fledged understanding of one another.  We accept, support and value no matter what.  We don't always agree, but we care enough to work through the disagreements.  Your friends can only become family through respect, shared values, and patience.  And trust me, it takes each to care enough about the other to make it through the hard times and disagreements, but it pays off in the end.  Because what you end up with is not just a friend.  Its family, and its love is unconditional.  You can't replace something like that.

Springing back to life!

Spring is coming! I can hear the birds chirping every morning and the snow has pretty much disappeared. I feel the clouds parting overhead and although I'm not quite there yet, a sense of calm is slowly descending upon me. I even spotted a couple of crocus's the other day and even more emerging from the soggy earth. We've got daffodils blooming in a vase on our kitchen counter top, thanks to T! Everything is finally coming into place and although I don't particularly love this season of rain wind and mud, I am in completely in love with what it symbolizes, and its uplifting effect on my psyche.

Every year, I wish away the coldest six months and allow the cruelest of all seasons to manipulate me into a state of almost despair. My brain flicks the switch and I enter into Robot Mode, where everyday becomes a series of mundane, routine tasks with little or no variation. As the sun moves closer to the earth, a sensor begins to go off and my brain slowly starts to click into gear, eventually overriding this robotic state. The re-awakening of the world around me seems to bring about a re-awakening within my own self; when the world is bright, alive and in focus, the clock starts ticking again.

Now that I am fully aware of what is going on around me again, I am quickly understanding there is a lot I want to accomplish before the inevitable shut down process begins. There is a certain person who will not rest until we are touring Greece, she has resolved to resort to chloroform if I am not compliant. I have assured A that I'm with her all the way on this one. Another friend, Ma K, has invited me to be her date for a wedding in Alberta, and between the two concerts, these two trips and various other adventures within my own province, my head is already spinning and heart pounding with excitement.

For however convenient Robot Mode might be for surviving the depression of winter, it also leaves you feeling somewhat lonely, isolated and withdrawn. My plan for next winter: avoid Robot Mode by buying as many lottery tickets as possible, winning the Big One, and move somewhere warm and far far far far away. And if that doesn't work, there's always the wine!

Drowing a Verbal Death

My little friend, W, has a preoccupation with words, letters and sounds. He is a shy and intent little four year old who really finds it a fun time to sit down with markers in hand and practice his letters. I could read a library full of books to this boy and he wouldn't move unless he got hungry, and no, not even for bathroom duties. He often looks at me and says, 'Why do they call it....'. And what follows are things like: pen, or cake, or monkey or fat or happy and on and on and on. Usually the word in question will be the actually thing he is seeing, feeling, touching or tasting. When he looks up at me with those innocent and admiring blue eyes its hard to admit that, to be honest, you're not sure. Usually I reply with, Somebody a long long time ago made it up and now we use it all the time'. Which is pretty much accurate, right?

The fact is, language is such a massive force in our world, it affects(controls?) pretty much every aspect of our modern lives. In all the languages in all the world, it's said that the English language is the most difficult to master. I've read that the English language possibly has upwards of 3 quarters of a million words including nouns, adjectives, verbs, prepositions slang, and words that have become obsolete. Our language is derived from German, Dutch, French and Latin languages, and in all accounts, a very universal and culturally influenced language.

We have words to describe the things we see, and how it affects our senses;sun: bright, hot yellow, intense. We have words to describe our emotions and how we feel; happy, sad, angry, silly, anxious, curious, jealous. We have words that explain objects around us and even words to describe how those same objects look, feel, sound, and taste. When little W asks his questions I encourage his curiosity and try to increase his vocabulary daily, in hopes that he can master this language more accurately than most of us, and feel confident in his ability to convey his thoughts and feelings and understand they are relevant. Because when I dive into this ever growing sea of words and try to choose my own, I seem to drown amongst them instead of grabbing them and using them to get back to shore.

Bless the Little Children

A child's innocence about the world around them and how life works is absolutely astounding. It makes me laugh, cry, shake my head and wonder about the glory of childhood, how weightless it all feels, how the world can only be as you perceive it and no other way. What is more astounding is their perfect honesty in how they think and feel. Emotions become so complicated and life experiences begin to take their hold on us; honesty is almost a lost art. Honesty in not only about how we feel but in how we convey those feelings for better or for worse.

One day I was helping my little friend W with his bathroom duties when he was just 3 year old. At this point, little W was not a lover of the toilet and just getting him to sit on it was half the battle. To entertain him and keep him occupied while he fulfilled his dreaded doo-doo duties, I started playing an opposites game, to introduce him to the concept and gauge his understanding. I would say, 'up' and it was his job to tell me the opposite was 'down'. After one or two of these, I said, 'boy' and we proceeded into a conversation about the fact girl is the opposite of boy, and man is the opposite of woman. He was a boy, but would grow up to be a man like daddy. He said, 'No I won't I want to be a woman like mommy'. When I asked him why he would rather be a girl he looked up at me with his wide and innocent blue eyes and said, 'Because I think I would be cuter as a girl'.

My little Miss E is a very curious little creature about the nature of life. At the ripe old age of 6, she is constantly bombarding me with questions about how babies get into mummies bellies, how they get out, how many babies can a mummy have? (Me:As many as they want, E:a hundred?) After one of these conversations, E told me she wanted to have 20 babies. Later the same day, Miss E was oh so very distraught over the saliva of her friend N soaking into her sweater. So distraught, even, she had pulled her arm inside her sweater and held the offending sleeve, disgustedly, in front of her and as far away from her body as she could possibly get it. I told her if she wanted to have 20 babies she had better get used to a little bit of germs. When she asked why, I told her because they were going to drool on her all the time, she was going to have to clean poopy diapers and they might pee on her (especially if they were boys) and the odd time they might throw up on her. Her eyes widened, she wrinkled her perfect little nose in disgust, and said as she walked away, loose sleeve dangling, 'I'm not having any babies anymore'.

When the Natural Disaster was only 4 (he's now 7), and it was only our second week together as a team, the charming young fella excused himself to the bathroom while we were having lunch. I had been forewarned by his parents that he sometimes takes a while to complete his task, as he strips completely naked (socks even!) and 'reads' to pass the time. I gave N some leeway and alone time, and allowed his absence to continue most of the way through lunch. After Baby S was fed and the other children were mostly finished, I went to the bathroom and knocked at the door, inquiring about his progress. I heard, 'Ummm... I am not done yet'. I told him he had 5 more minutes to finish up, and went back to the table. After 5 minutes, I knocked on the door again. This time, the answer was not immediate, and I told him to open the door please. When he opens the door, an overwhelming minty scent slaps me in the face mercilessly, stinging my eyes as it passes by. I peered around his skinny shirtless body, and saw a tube of toothpaste on the floor, contents oozing, a wad of toilet paper stuck to the toilet seat. Why was it stuck to the toilet you ask? Because he had squeezed almost the whole tube out onto the toilet and spread it around the seat as if he were painting a masterpiece. When I looked at him and asked him why he did it, 'He said, I thought I could clean it off and you wouldn't know'.

I love my little friends, every single one of them, and watching them grow and having a hands on part in guiding these important days in their lives is probably the best gift I could have ever been given. I think children, if we value them in the right way, help us to keep perspective on life and what is truly important. I cherish this time I have with them and hope that in the end I have helped them grow and learn as much as they have helped me.

Ahhh, the old Horrorscope

SAGITTARIUS - The Promiscuous One: Spontaneous. High appeal. Rare to find. Great when found. Loves being in long relationships. So much love to give. A loner most of the time. Loses patience easily and will not take crap. If in a bad mood stay FAR away. Gets offended easily and remembers the offense forever. Loves deeply but at times will not show it as it feels it is a sign of weakness. Has many fears but will not show it. VERY private person. Defends loved ones with all their abilities. Can be childish often. Not one to mess with. Very pretty. Very romantic. Nice to everyone they meet. Their Love is one of a kind. Silly, fun and sweet. Have own unique appeal. Most caring person you will ever meet! Amazing in bed..!!! Not the kind of person you want to mess with- you might end up crying.

So this is an overview of my personality based on my horoscope. Sent to me courtesy A, via one rare forward from my good old friend. This horoscope made me laugh, because coincidence or not, it touched on things in my personality that I can certainly relate to. Even seemingly slanderous phrases like, 'The Promiscuous One' which lo and behold, happens to be the catch phrase summarizing my astrological personality! Only because according to my own personal standards, I have to date, slept with more people than I would have liked to in my lifetime, although compared with a lot people, my number is very very small! And I certainly know the number will never get smaller, only a certain future of growing larger if I don't find the one who can, and will want to satisfy my voracious hunger for love!

I am a loner, and probably because of previously mentioned qualities such as: loses patience easily, not taking crap, holding grudges, acting childish, and as was repeated at least 3 times, I am not one to be messed with, I might make you cry! The one particular aspect of this horoscope I found most insightful was the 'Loves deeply but at times will not show it as it feels it is a sign of weakness' part. Loving people comes scarily easy to me, but letting these loved ones see it will be a constant struggle on my behalf. It is a part of me that I wish I could understand, because love was always given so freely to me but I am unable to be as open with my own often unexpected and intense love.

So according to my 'horrorscope', I am a somewhat emotionally crippled, volatile sex addict who really does have a tender side buried deep down somewhere beneath her tough archer exterior. Or we could go with a more positive spin on things, and submit for approval the final interpretation of my astrological casting mold:

'The one who wants to love as deeply as she wants to be loved. The one who will give herself to the people who deserve it; those who can not only tolerate her private universe but will try to understand it and offer her new ways of thinking, feeling, and communicating in order to escape it.

Hooray for 'Self Improvement'!

When two total strangers offer you some constructive criticism on the same personality trait under totally different circumstances, you tend to start to wonder if maybe they are onto something. In good faith I cannot ignore the general consensus, I owe it to myself to take their opinions seriously and consider my options. With the same willingness to we have to accept and relish compliments paid to us, we should also pay particular attention to the areas that may need improvement.

I like learning about myself from other people. Sometimes we can become solitary in our opinion of ourselves because that is the only one we have placed value on for far too long. I've realized this recently, and however traumatic a bashing it was to my ego, I understand now that, low and behold; I am not perfect! If I am being truthful, never have I considered myself perfect in any way, I only misplaced my assumptions as to where my imperfections lie. I know some people would say, why even place such importance on any one opinion of you as to alter who you are? I say it isn't about changing who we are, it is about understanding who we really are as an individual and if new revelations bring about changes then so be it. It's about personal growth, and I crave to understand not only myself but people and the world that surrounds me.

It's unnerving when you start to see yourself in strange new ways, almost forcing you into reconciling your past ghosts with your present self in order to become this new...hybrid of sorts. A hybrid of the self that is supposed to be, better, faster, stronger! But seriously...any new hybrid is only paving the way for new hybrids and when does the evolution stop? And is this pursuit of personal knowledge and understanding really ever lead to any true self that is better than the one that came before it?

I certainly f'n hope so!

Nothin' on Top But a Bucket and a Mop

I seem to be experiencing a little downtime in my thoughts these days, and as much as I would love to self indulge in a little pity party of one, I feel foolish in doing so. There is no justification for me whining about how unfair my life is, only because I am feeling bored, stuck, and anxious. I can see so much room for improvement, things I can control in my own life that will help put my thoughts back on track, but they seem so far out of reach and it seems almost impossible to get past my own feelings of fruitlessness. Everything I have in my life to this point has been a goal achieved, and the sense of contentment I once felt is slowly slipping away and the itch is setting in; the overwhelming urge and desire for some sort of sweeping change that will quiet these dark and restless thoughts and replace them with a renewed sense of Self.

Oh but it all sounds so simple! For a NORMAL person maybe, but I consider myself my own worst enemy. Plagued with momentary lapses of reason and self indulgent behaviour, I continue to assume a position on the sidelines of my life, watching each day as it passes me by, never fully acknowledging that my apathy and procrastination are what is keeping me from my own personal growth and satisfaction. It is a terrible affliction, and I keep thinking that time and age will automatically change these things about me, but so far.. nothing. It seems I am the master of my fate, the captain of my soul. In other words, its up to me to change what I don't like; A lesson learned many times, but always forgotten. Sometimes I wait for answers to fall out of the sky and solve all my little 'problems' because it seems so much easier than the alternative.


I think we all get stuck into a certain pattern of thinking and living and sometimes it's just plain hard to break the cycle. Continuing in the familiar can be far more comforting than forcing yourself into creating new habits, routines and ways of thinking. Life changes are exhausting at best but if we don't make these changes how do we continue to grow and learn as individuals? I know I would rather reach a plateau in happiness only to see there is more up ahead no matter how hard the climb might be, than to reach that plateau and blindly settle for the mediocre.