Evil Monkeys and Mental Bananas

My glass of wine is half empty. Oh wait, or is it half full? Either way it tastes great and I will be sad to see it end! My mind is all over the place, and it is hard to pinpoint down the thoughts I am trying to process. For a long time there, I had been feeling such a weightlessness to my existence, and I must say it was refreshing for a change. For the first time in my life, I had been focused on only the pleasurable experiences, because it seemed that is all there was to be had! There was no weight on my shoulders, forcing me to trudge at a slower pace, carrying myself as if a collapse was inevitable in the near future. I slept like a baby at night, woke up with a smile on my face, and carried it throughout my day as if I had not a care in the world! Satisfaction was the theme of this phase in my life. Because that is what I see my life as so far, a series of phases leading up to any one of a number of supposed possible outcomes.

But all of a sudden, the weight has reappeared like a monkey on my back swooping down from the trees. He is bouncing around and grabbing at my hair and has become a total nuisance with his insistence that I feed him my Mental Bananas. I am telling you now, people, I do not have many of those banana's left, and if I give them all to him, I'm going to just become a Product of the Monkey, a slave to his incessant demands to appease his appetite for my Soul! Dramatic? Yes. But, at least you get my point.

My life is great. I feel I have learned how to be patient, optimistic (annoyingly so) and more self aware. I am trying to hold onto the things in my life I know should be lifting me up, above and beyond even the trees, staying out of reach of those incessant Evil Monkeys. I suppose we all have to come down for a reality check once in a while (oh no! Does this mean my eyes are going to open again??), but I hope that not all reality checks are disruptive forces sweeping through your life like a tornado, destroying the pretty little picture of life you had created for yourself just so you can start rebuilding it over again from scratch. I would like to think that some are more like the first warm spring rain that washes away the last of the snow to reveal something a little more natural, beautiful and warm. Something that causes you to breathe in deeply for a change, and say, 'this is what I have been waiting for'.

So, what is it I have I been waiting for?

It's Like Blinking (Forever Young!!)

So....29, eh? It's my birthday, and how do I feel? Once upon a time, a birthday was exciting, almost like you were getting that much closer to reaching a destination in life you had always dreamed of. When your dreams turn into reality, and reality isn't exactly what you dreamed it would be, birthdays seem to lose their air of excitement, and instead, turn into (in my case at least), an apathetic situation where you either A) Decide to fret over your passing days as if they are indefinitely numbered (which, when you think about it is most certainly true!). Or B) escalate into sheer mania as if your birthday is just another excuse to inebriate yourself beyond control just so you can continue believing you are Invincible and Untouchable and Forever Young . I find myself hovering in between the two. In my eyes, this is the best that can be expected! Thirty, however, may be a different story.

I am absolutely contemplating my life on this, my historic 29th birthday, the single last year of my 20's! I contemplate my life on every birthday and give thanks to all the joy (and sorrow!) I have been allowed to experience since my birth. My life is a gift and I intend to appreciate it (if not value it!) for what it is worth, even if it doesn't seem like much at times. I told K tonight that this Birthday, for me, was not about a fear of growing old, and a realization that is inevitable. Instead I am feeling confusion, and awe that 10 years has passed by me and I've hardly been aware of what has been happening.

It's like blinking. When you blink, your eyes close. When your eyes close, you stop seeing, even if only for a millisecond! On the scale of life, the amount of time your eyes remain closed is equal to about three years according to my calculations, and during this time, you stumble and you fall flat on your face at least once, only to open your eyes to rediscover your surroundings and to reposition yourself accordingly before the next black out occurs! I've repositioned 3 times so far since my eighteenth birthday, and what scares me is, even though I now I believe I am truly seeing, I know from experience my eyes must be closed right now. I wait in wonder and fear of what I will see when I am finally blinded by the light of day.

K told me that I was too deep for her tonight and she needed some wine to contemplate that. Unfortunately, she had to work, and so here I am contemplating it to myself. And listening to the Doobie Brothers!!

Now how is THAT for contemplatating your life, people;listening to music on YouTube that makes you feel like you are a kid again!

The anticipation of one moment often ruins the authenticity of said moment. When we are talking about things like death, and birth, those moments are severe in emotion and reactions (regardless of how long we have anticipated them), and, I believe, are totally unique and spontanious in their origins. Although, never experiencing birth, or planned death, I cannot be sure. For the premis of this blog, I have to assume that is true. The things I am speaking of are superficial in nature, like recieving an award or going on a first date. We often imagine, assume, and try to predict things in a way that either sets us up for failure or disappointment. At least, that is usually my experience!

I am thinking specifically about times when I practiced my part in the various possible scenarios of life events such as meeting with an ex for the first time, or having a first date with the 'man of your dreams', or even seeing an old friend for the first time in a very long time. Oh, don't get me wrong, we don't always experience failure or dissapointment, but not very often do things go as we planned they should, for better or worse!

I have been experiencing a very peculiar sensation lately. I have been feeling oddly content, and satisfied with an impending event in my life. There should be multitudes of speculations, anxieties and preparations for this future event, and yet, there are not. I feel calmed, and oddly reassured that everything is to go as it should. And obviously, where there is no anxiety present, I must on some level feel that things are going to go well; very well.

I guess at this point I should reveal, this new event is the first meeting between me and someone I have been frequently chatting to online. Meeting new people can be akward for me, and I don't feel any akwardness about this meeting even though the way we are getting to know eachother (pre face to face meeting) might be considered akward. Talking online will usually lead to promises made that cannot or might not be kept, but these online conversations are not like that in any way, shape , or form.

Why is feeling content a peculiar sensation for me?

Stalker poetry?

Boredom, anxiety and insanity will do strange things to people. Here is a poem (I have been told it is a poem) created inadvertently in a moment of pure mania. Thanks to A for the title!

Ode to Cyber-Stalker

I am stalking a lonely computer,
It's owner, probably off doing something more interesting
Like making a hot cup of tea,
Or talking on the phone,
Helping her kids back to bed,
Or taking a BIG SHIT.
And the computer, sits alone
With no one to share this new information with;
New communications from Cyberspace.
Crazy
Crazy
That is me