Reaping What We Sow

My brain is a mess! Why do I say things that I later fret and worry over? Actually, the question should be why do the things I say make me fret and worry? When my private thoughts escape my brain and there is a delay in communication, I instantly regret what I said. Is this some sort of paranoia, or just regular old pain in the ass self doubt? I don't know if I have always been this way or if it is some sort of wretched side effect of my past life experiences.

To be honest, I am feeling a sort of apathy about everything happening in my life right now. It's neither good, or bad, it just is. I am happy with my job, I am happy with the amount of money I earn (although c'mon people! Who wouldn't love to be making more money?), I am happy with the supportive relationships I have with my friends and family. The things I am missing are things I cannot force into my life, and for a change I truly have to take a backseat to the unseen forces driving my life forward.

About 11 years ago or so, my friend K and I were hanging out in her room at home, spending some time with good old MJ. This is something we did quite regularly. We laughed, and joked about how when we were 30 we would be roomates, living in Halifax, still sitting on the same glow in the dark plastic blow up furniture doing the same old shit and having the same old conversations. Well the blow up furniture is gone, but the rest pretty much came true. Some sort of crazy premonition neither of us really honestly and truly believed would come to be. It was a joke. I think both of us had dreams that by this age, we would be married, have kids and a career that we loved; Naively believing that the creation of a family could be controlled and planned and maintained in the same way as a career. Well, joke was on us.

I think a deeper understanding of the terms Fate and Karma bitch-slap you in the face once you reach about 25 or so. I still don't feel I can grasp the place Fate has in my life although I feel its clammy deathgrip every once in a while. Yes, this is how I view Fate in my life at this point, like the grim reaper creeping up on you when you least expect it. And as for Karma, well its as simple as this Bitches; you reap what you sow.