He Said, She Said

Why does my past continuously come back to haunt me? You try to forgive and forget, you try to move on. Just when you think your emotions are under control and your thoughts are rational, along comes annoying old Fate and his clammy death grip pointing the way back to 'that place' with his bony lifeless finger. Is it my Fate to continue reliving the same few incidents from my past over and over again? Is it not enough that I think about these issues on a consistently random basis, trying to understand it all in the grand scheme of things for my own personal satisfaction? Now I have to start being reminded of them, and dealing with them in new and curious ways as though there is still a lesson to be learned in it all. And horror of horrors, the more I think about it, the more I think there probably is.

I think for an emotional matter to be settled, all parties involved need closure. ( I know, 'closure', what a cliche! But I believe in it!) Now closure is a personal thing. For one person, it might be kicking their ex husband in the ass with a steel toe boot. For another it might be seeing a loved one just one last time before saying the Big Goodbye. In terms of my own personal past issues still left unresolved, I would have to say my closure would need to come with the admittance of my own wrong-doings and faults which may or may not have contributed to the disarray that created the drama, which has led to the current blog I am writing. I used to think that admitting your mistakes in the shadow of someone else's looming, giant mistake was only going to the other person to feel as though they were justified in their actions. But after all this time, the burning questions I used to feel I needed answers to have seemingly disappeared, and all that is left is that tiny piece of me that knows I need to say I am sorry. Be damned who was right and wrong! It seems admitting your mistakes means as much to yourself as it does to someone else, if not more.